Sorry about the delay between posts. I decided sometime last week that I hated the soap dispenser in our bathroom, but one doesn't simply replace a bathroom accessory. So $300, some paint, plaster and furniture later we have a redecorated bathroom. Time did not allow for writing during this, so I apologize. At some point I may decide that the coat hooks in the kitchen are sub-par and you'll have to deal with a gap in writing at that time as well. I'm sure we'll all make it through.
You'll also notice I've gone through a slight blog redesign. I'm on the fence about how I want it to look because I find a lot of blinged out sites are just distracting. So for now we're keeping it simple.
On to the blog.
Two and a half years ago I attended the wedding of a friend in Boston. Being the prompt and thoughtful gift giver I am, last week I threw a bunch of money at Crate and Barrel and sent her a wedding gift in the form of an e-gift card because nothing says personal touch like an email telling you your friend is giving you money for a fancy colander.
After not hearing from her for a day, I figured she was reciprocating by waiting another two and a half years to thank me, which seemed fair. However she soon called and that's when the bomb was dropped - she's pregnant.
This brings the grand total of people in my life who have or will have a baby within a 12 month period this year to FIVE.
FIVE.
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| My current facebook newsfeed. |
Now I was cool when everyone my age was getting married because cake. But when did we start creating life? I still can't get our cats to stop eating my hair and my friends are making whole people. And not only are they birthing and raising kids, but they're actually good at it.
In 6th grade home economics class there was a week when we all had to carry around sacks of flour and pretend they were our babies. Being a child who took way too long to stop playing with dolls, I was pretty psyched about this. I went home and went to town making my flour baby look awesome. She had yellow yarn done up in pigtails for hair. Glued on buttons for eyes and I even managed to fit her in some old babydoll PJs. She was perfect.
That is right up until I knocked her off a table and sent her sailing to the ground where she burst into a cloud of baby dust on the classroom floor.
I didn't bother to make a new one for fear that I would waste another 5 lbs of potential pastries, so I resigned myself to the fact that perhaps babies were not in my future.
Obviously this was a silly declaration to make at 12 years old and flour babies aren't really a great way to evaluate your parenting skills or your desire to be one. Based on my experience, the true litmus test for one's desire to have children should be spending a Saturday afternoon at Costco.
It's my belief that some parents don't feed their kids all week and wait till Saturday sample day at Costco for them to get their fill because the gusto with which some of those children hurl themselves at square inch pieces of frozen pizza could only be rivaled with Kirstie Alley's desire to say "Suck it Jenny!" and send her body flying through a window of the Hostess Factory Headquarters. (It's really only a matter of time before she reaches blimp status again and I'm waiting with breath that is baited for the magazine cover featuring her that reads, "Cheers!" as she's toasting Ronald McDonald with a Big Mac.) But I digress...
Combine Costco rugrats diving for fresh-from-the-oven frozen crudites with bus-sized carts filled with 3 or 4 of them grabbing at anything they can get their grubby hands on and the screaming. Oh the screaming.
I know I know. What the hell do you expect when Costco places a picture of ice cream the size of Jessica Simpson's pregnant ass on the wall directly at the front of the store? Of course kids are going to wail until you shut their faces with frozen sugar. I don't blame them. However I do think Costco would do well to hand you ear plugs promptly after checking your membership card upon entrance.
I should probably clarify at this time that I don't dislike children. They're adorable. Really, I mean it.
Well some of them are little shits. But for the most part, they're adorable and if you're one of my friends reading this who has just had a baby or is about to have a baby, yes I think your kid is great. However forcing me to visit Babies R Us nine million times in the past year has just been cruel. Thanks for that. I hope you're having the time of your life with your bobby pillows. Do you have any idea how fucking hard it is to wrap one of those damn things?
Oh but I've done it and I've attended the showers where you play baby gift bingo and whatnot. Note to future mothers: alcohol at your baby shower is pretty much mandatory. This is not a suggestion. It's the only way unmarried, non-mothers are going to get through it. In my experience my answers to the endless "When are you going to get married and have kids?" questions become much more creative with each glass of wine.
An angel came to me in a dream and gave me the exact opposite news Mary got.
The bees are going to get us all anyway.
I've seen Alien one too many times.
My kids could turn out dumb or Republican. Then what?
Our cats would probably kill anything I brought home.
Because Lindsay Lohan.
The true answer to those questions is I have absolutely no idea and don't think about it all that much, but this answer seems to make people uncomfortable. I understand that Disney movies have conditioned us to go about life a certain way - find your prince, get married, pump out human livestock. However unlike Ariel I'm not cool with having no voice so some dolt can fall in love with my eyes. And seriously, Sleeping Beauty? She got lip raped by a stranger while she slept and decides that it's true love. Bitch be desperate.
My life is far from normal and looks nothing like a Disney movie. Hell, it probably never will. I'm 30 years old living in sin with my boyfriend and two cats, but every day is more fun than a bowl of boobs.
I promise to keep liking your facebook baby pictures though as long as I can keep posting mundane pictures of my cats. It's only fair.
Keeping with the kid theme, here's my favorite thing from the internet today.
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| "This is the last straw!" |
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